Man the Fuck Up

I know we all like to think that our relationships, lives, and general grievances are much worse than anyone else's in the entire universe. Somehow, when it is our lives, we seem, as humans, to be so self-indulgent that we play the Grey's Anatomy soundtrack to ourselves, and whether we admit it or not, feel terribly bad for ourselves. Break ups drain us of our energy, creativity, and sense of self, and I'm here to say man the fuck up. The usual break up period is pretty standard. Denial, fake acceptance, fake gracious acceptance, crying at inanimate objects, buying out of character clothes, dying your hair, and all the other great tools we as women have come up with in the millions of years that we have dealt with the (what we think is) unique situation of getting our hearts broken. Being a month into this process, I have been observing myself and forcing myself to be acutely aware of how cliche I have the ability to be. I'm sorry self, but waking up and looking at yourself and seeing someone else is truly absurd. After a break up, it seems that even things that have always been ours, become that of our former boyfriend or girlfriend. Mid tears, I realized how ridiculous it was to look at myself in the mirror and notice my "sheet face" and cry over someone else. I have, for my entire life slept on my face and woken up with intense pillow marks as a result of unattractive, open-mouthed sleeping habits and low blood pressure. Ladies, do not give someone your heart, and your face. It's just ridiculous. Then there are the things your ex loved about you, that you now hate. If you are looking at your own fantastic rack, and feeling sad about how much someone else loved it--take a step back and remember that it's your fucking rack! Enjoy it! Jiggle it around! Go in your new break up outfit to a belly dancing class for all I care, but Jesus Christ, at least own your own body because it it yours. Body image-wise, this can go one of two ways. Eating will either make you too nauseous due to your internal emotional distress, or it will replace sex. i know neither is healthy, but I highly recommend the first one. You got dumped, wouldn't you rather be seen looking questionably thin than questionably pregnant with someone's baby that just dumped you? I personally take the jail time approach. Although it is endlessly entertaining to watch myself cry in the mirror and tell my dog how ugly I am, I choose to use my emotional turmoil to work out. At least you can feel some sort of solace in the revenge of looking hot and being distracted by fad diets and ballet-football type work out classes. This is part of the process of feeling "different." Now, when you feel like such shit that you can't stand it, it is natural to do things differently. Do not fool yourself. Taking up awkward pilates/racketball classes will not make you "different" or change the fact that you are temporarily insane. It will not make you undumped, or convince your ex boyfriend that you are any less lame than you were perceived to be pre-dumpage. Here is the bottom line. Grab life by the balls and remember who the fuck you are. You reeled in whoever dumped you with a sense of cockiness that you have since lost. Lastly, I can not stress this enough...do NOT get bangs. No, they won't look good. No, not even the trendy sweepy ones. You are not Jessica Biel, you can not make mistakes like this and still be fuckable. Seriously. Take the time to deal, vent, mourn, and all those other healthy words people use to make you feel better when your heart and confidence have been sucked dry by someone else. No one wants to be around a whiney sad panda. However, no one can take away your cockiness. I know this is unconventional, but I really think this is what women need. Do not hand that over to someone else along with your dignity, and sometimes your tits. You're going to need all that shit for whatever there is around the corner.